Friday, March 12, 2010

How to Handle Abandonment

We say, what'll I do if they leave and never come back? It's one of our greatest fears; abandonment! Watch the young baby when mum leaves the room; terror appears on its tiny face. Our memory records those traumatic moments and replays them later when an important relationship is disintegrating in our hands. (Who needs you?) False bravado: 'I can get along without you?' Revenge: I don't get mad,I get even'. When you are facing abandonment by someone you love and dread losing, remember:

1) Efforts to keep someone from abandoning you usually don't work. Begging, manipulating, tears and promises often intensify their determination to go.

2) At some point we all experience the heartbreak of losing someone we love or being disappointed in people.

3) The pain you feel is legitimate. Those who say you shouldn't feel this way are wrong. Acknowledging pain initiates the feeling-process. You can't heal what you won't feel or deal with. Anxiety is your greatest enemy when you face abandonment! It pushes you into all the wrong reactions: Learn to manage it or it'll bring about your worst fears.

Here are some guidelines to help you:

1) Stay out of the pursuer role. Most relationship have a 'pursuer' and a 'distancer'. When we feel vulnerable we fall into whichever role is characteristic and act it out. When one distances, the other pursues, and vice versa. The problem is, when you pursue a distance and they get anxious, distancing more, it increases your anxiety and pushes you to pursue more, the vicious cycle. Though it will feel unnatural, by faith, decide to stop pursuing. You'll decrease the distancer's anxiety and invite them to stop distancing. Letting go is frightening and feels as though it might encourage them to leave. It won't necessarily but holding on will, managing your anxiety calls on you to do what you fears but it will reduce the anxiety level!

2) Control your anxiety-inducing self-talk. Your anxiety is being caused by your thought and self-talk, not your partner or circumstances. Saying, Oh, I'll die if he or she leaves me generates and magnifies fear. Construct a helpful self talk list. If he leaves; it'll hurt, but with the help of God and family, I'll get through it. Factor God in; He's the changer of hearts and minds. Lean on Him and He will lessen your anxiety and increase your peace and confidence.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What to Do When the Sizzle Fizzles

Here are three R 's' that work in our marriages.First;Remember.Remember the height from which you have fallen! Not the depth,but the height,Not how bad it becomes but how great it once was.Not the worst of times,but the best.Recall when just being together was the highlight of your whole day? What were you doing then that you're not doing now? Do you remember when you phoned just to hear his voice? The gifts you couldn't afford,but bought her? The love notes you slipped into his lunch?

Remember opening doors for her,pulling out chairs,walking to the outside of the curbkerb,cooking his favourite dish although you were exhausted from working late,reading 1001 ways to be romantic,and tying them all twice? Remember guiet candlelit dinners when you shaved again and wore her favourite cologne,the one you hated? When intimacy wasn't all about me? Our special palces,times,smells,looks,songs,poems. Arose on her tray with breakfast in bed because she had cried when she heard the song,you don't bring me flowers anymore and you vowed you'd never forget the flowers?
Remember! Remember what you did for love.The magic may seem to have appeared by accident,but it actually grew by action! You were the magic.What you did fuelled the romance,then you stopped doing it and the flame subsided.But the pilot light still burns and remembering the heights release positive,faith-inspiring chemistry that can move you to actions that will fan the flame into a fire again!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Healing Wounded Relationship3

There are no painless,foolproof quarantees;healing a relationship involves shared effort and risk.I have to trust that ultimately you’ll forgive me and put the offence behind you and you have to believe that I;m sincere about changing.Healing wounded relationships is a two-person job.your job is to work at trusting me again and mine is to provide you with evidence that I’m trusthworthy when we do that we invite one another’s co-operation,encourage each other and shorthen the distance that separates us.Making a relationship work means deciding you have real and positive options and both committing to them.If your betrayal caused the wounds,you can make your own job easier by becoming more accountable.By voluntarily keeping your partner in the loop about your schedule without having to quiz you,you graduate from being the bad guy to becoming a full-fledged team member,pursuing a mutual game plan so you can both win.By agreeing to self-police you also remove the resentment one partner feels when the other one monitors them.In other words,it relieves them of the dirty work of micromanaging you and spares you the humiliation of feeling like you’re always under the micro scope.On the other hand,if you are the wounded party you can makeyour mate’sjob easier by letting them know you value the relationship enough to make it work by keeping up your end.Tell them you appreciate their efforts.

Healing Wounded Relationship 2

Just siting waiting for healing to happen doesn’t help;it only lengthens the process,working to become a positive influence is what moves things forward.If you want to help:
a)listen:when your loved one needs to talk,listen without trying to defend,explain,rationalize or excuse your behaviour.Don’t try to correct their misperceptions or lessen their pain by minimissing it.
b)Validate:Don’t tell somebody you should’t feel that way,when people talk about their pain.often they’re doing the work necessary to help them heal.By letting them know their feelings are legitimate rather than making them feel weak or silly,you enable them to through the negative emotions
c)Apologise:Yes,again.whoever said, ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry, ‘didn’t know much about human relationships.Every genuine apology promotes healing.A heartfelt I’m sorry is medicine to a wounded soul.So apply until it’s no longer needed and your loved one will let youknow when that is.
d)Repair:offer to help repair the hurt you’ve caused. ‘I know I’ve wounded you,and I really want to know what I can do to help heal the damage.Genuinely spoken,those words realign and make you part of the solution,not just the cause of the problem.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Healing Wounded Relationships 1

It happens everyday.May be It’s happening right now in your once-happy home.Unrealistic expectations,Infidelity and broken promises destroying the dream of life-long love nad trust.Thankfully,God is the Healer of broken relationship and violated trust.When someone you love is hurting:
1) Give it time:Healing is a process,not an event.wounds of the heart heal slowly.May be you’re thinking, ‘but I’ve apologized over and over.How long will it take them to let it go and start trusting me again? It takes as long as it takes! Demanding the other person to heal on your schedule only delays the process, ‘But if they really forgave me they wouldn’t keep bringing it up.’ Not so.when your loved one can bring it up without you getting upset healing will happen faster.
2) Don’t expect things to be normal for now.They don’t be and that’s normal! Ever notice how you automatically protect an injured limb against knocks and bumps? It’s a nutural,instinctive reaction.The fact is that the one who caused the pain may be ready for business as usual but for the wounded, ‘normal’ feels way too vulnerable right now.By lowering your expectations and giving them space,you ‘ll hasten and promote the healing process
3) Remember,people heal at different rates.There is a time,,to weep..a time to laugh…a time to refrain.Be sensitive

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Symbiosis-The Best Form Of Relationship

The term relationship could be defined as the way in which two people,groups or countries behave towards each other or deal with each other.It could also be seen as a loving or sexual friendship between two people.It is the way in which two or more things or people are connected to each other.No man is an Island,he cannot but relate with others various reasons.Some go into it for the fun of it,without gaining anything or loosing anything while others go into it for their own benefits,fulfillment,self realization and growth(spiritually,physically and emotionally) and also for the total good of the other person with whom they are into the relationship.

Three Forms Of Realtionship
1)Parasitism:This is a form of relationship whereby a party to a relationship gains while the other loose completely.It is a one sided relationship,guided by the principle of survival of the fittest.In this form of relationship,each party to it is only concern with it’s personal or individual well being without thinking of the other,or considering the effects of his or her action on the other party to relationship.A good example of such is that which exist between boyfriend and girlfriend.The boy’s major focus is on how to satisfy his sexual peasure as fast or as much as he can without considering the effect of his action or plans on the girlfriend.Here,deception is th name of the game.The girl also will try all she can to pursue her hidden agendas,try to exploit the boy financially or materially quickly as possible since there is no assurance that the boy will marry her or even dump her for another girl.
People that go into this form of relationship often end it in pain,agony and bitterness.The unfortunate part of it all is that even married couples practice this form of destructive relationship.The husband struggles to get what he want and vise versa.I once had a neighbor who is a drunk whenever he collects his salary he will run away from home and spend the money with his concubines.As soon as the money finishes,he will return back to his house;waiting for the wife to struggle and provide food and other needs of the family.Everynight He will demand sex from the wife without thinking of wether the wife has eaten some thing or not,wether she is ill or she is in a safe period.Is this a good relationship? No.It is a bad form of relationship.

Communism: This is a form in which two organism live or move together without neither benefiting from each other nor losing anything to each other.It is a form of relationship that operates on the principle of everybody to himself or herself.Here,there is no mutual benefits and there is no lost on either side.a lot of people live together without being concern with the good and well being of one another in anyway.They don’t destroy,they don’t repair,they don’t contruct,they live a life of everybody to himself.some couples live together in the house,but they don’t talk to each other as a result of some arguments or misunderstanding which they are unable to resolve due to pride and arrogance.The man decides not to bother himself about the wife and vise versa.Is this form of relationship good? No.It is a bad form of relationship.

Symbiosis:This is a relationship of mutual benefits,love,concern nad care.It is a form of relationship where the two parties to it always struggle to protect the interest and well being of each other;no matter the cost.Here,each of either of the parties feel incomplete without the presence of the other.Both parties benefits equally and also lose equally as the case may be.This is the form of relationship that God designed and intended for all manking.That all mankind should always live and collaborate with one another,protect one another and care greatly about one another well being and goodness.Never to plan evil against one another,but try to contribute positively to the growth of the entire human race.If the entire human race accepts this form of relationship,the world will definitely become a better palce to live in,because we will all be working hard fro the good ang growth of one another which will in turn culminate in the peaceful and harmonius co-existence of all human beings.And it is much more recommended for couples.This is due to the fact thet marriage as a bond unites the man and the woman as one.This is a relationship of trust,sincerity,understanding and openness,embrace it.


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